The Unknown

Am I the only one who hates the unknown. Who hates not knowing what tomorrow is going bring. The past nearly 6 months have been so unknown, I can't barley stand it. I have wondered where I was getting money from, God bless my sweet Grandma for all the help she has been. I have felt on edge. I have never experinced anxiety or depression like this. Depression to the point I can't move off the couch, and I'm watching a 90's sitcom just so I can laugh. Periods where I don't wanna talk to anyone but I also don't wanna be alone. Periods of peace where I am certain, God is going work this out. Periods of doubt because what if he's not. Romans 8:28-And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.C I was raised in the church, I have been hearing this scripture since well for as long as I can honestly remember. As a child it seemed so easy to believe. As an adult, not always so much. Do I ultimatley believe he has a plan. Do I believe I'll look back in 5 years see what he's done and be like oh that's why... of course I do. I believe it because I've seen it before, I've seen him work things out in ways I never imagined. But trust and faith, have been tough. Since rock bottom hit in June its been a series of good and bad since. I assure you I can see the good. My people who have been such a blessing, as mentioned above my Grandma, my longtime dream to be a Sunday school teacher came true. There's been good, there has. But goodness gracious, I can see the bad too. It's always so much easier to find it. The tough breaks, feeling like the world or maybe even God himself is against you. Yes, yes I know he's not, but please tell me I'm not the only one who's ever thought that. Then there's been the pulling in another direction, one I would have never dreamed. Yes, I have always loved to write and yes I have toyed with doing it proffesionally. These days the bloggers and podcasters. People doing minstry on God's behlaf. Starting companies. People that use there history and how God redemmed there story to help others. I have a story one that's sticky and messy and far more involved then these past 5 and a half months. I have no doubt my story through emotional abuse could help others. I also would be willing to believe that there are many just like myself who have never heard the word gaslighting or narcissist before. Those 2 words CHANGED MY LIFE. For the first time in my life I realized that there was a reason for my struggles. There was a reason I did the things I did and felt the way I felt. It was honestly life altering. I feel like God has placed this calling on me and honestly believe it's why nothing seems to have been working out job wise. However I keep pushing it off. That's a big risk, it would more then likely involve money I don't currently have. I'll do it some day but not today or tomorrow. Yes I have a vision, yes I have things in mind to go with my vision. Is that why the hold up? Is God waiting for me to listen? I just know I don't like the unknown, the waiting for the other shoe to drop. The waiting to see. Waiting for my dream job but not being sure what it is. Oh wait yes I do, it's to minster and help others. To blog, and maybe someday start a podcast. But yet, I hestiate to start. Because it's just as unknown as everything else has been.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Start of...

I wrote something today, I'm not sure where I'm going with it yet. An e-book, an actual book? I don't know yet. But I would so love y'alls thoughts. Sometimes I think about her the 5 year old, that loved God so much she had to ask him into her heart in the shower, because it just couldn't wait. Sometimes I think about her, the 13 year old who put the purity ring on and committed to not having sex before marriage. I wish I could hug her. I wish I could tell her she will get through the storms that are coming. I wish I could tell her that the trials of faith, and broken promises are a part of her story. That life as she knew it falling apart, would eventually turn into a new normal that would be even better. However I can't hug her, or guide her, or assure her. That girl learned it all the hard way. That girl expericed brokeness and hurt she never thought would be fixed or healed. That girl, that girl hit rock bottom more times then she could count, I know this b...
Read more

Ever Feel like Jonah

Intresting title I know. Considering its been ages since I have read that story. Probably over the fall when preparing my Sunday school lesson. However I feel like Jonah stuck inside the belly of a big fish being tossed and turned around. Life has been nothing but unknown. Wedensday I worked most of the day with one of my favorites. Working with him is however like a counseling session. He posed questions like whats your goal. My goal, ha, thats laughable at best. I had my goal rudley taken from me back in June. I wanna write, I wanna do minstry but how exactly I don't know. Then he posed some other statemnets while disccusing our situations as temps. He was listing my strengths and my weaknesses. He doesn't hold anything back, hes fully honest and I'm glad. No matter how much what he's saying might sting. One of the things he said has stuck with me. You could maybe be friendlier. I wish I could argue that point with him, I can't. Between being hurt and my own shyne...
Read more

It's Not Fair

Easter is my favorite holiday, hands down. Most people love Christmas, I personally love Easter. The Easter story offers so much hope. And let's be honest right now, hope seems so important. However I woke up Easter morning, lost in many thoughts.It was the first Easter without my Grandma, who I am almost certain I never spent an Easter without. There was the excitment I had felt over getting to do the Easter season with my Sunday school kiddos, that wasn't going happen. There was the whole not being in church with all those dear people I love so much. Yea, I was getting good and ready to hop aboard the depressed express. Let's face it, that depressed express is so easy right now. Life as we know it has ended. Nothing is normal, whatever normal even is to begin with. I tried to reroute my mind, which would be a constant through out the day process. God had died on Friday and on Easter Sunday he rose again. He rose again to save us, to give us hope. Hope. Oh how we need hope...
Read more