Somewhere in Between

Matthew 27:46..About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?").. Jeremiah 29:11...For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. My life verse... Phil 4:13...I can do all things through through Christ who is my strength 4 days ago, I had a birthday. Another year older. I'd like to say another year wiser but this past year well I don't think that's what I have to say about it. It was a rough year, it started big and rough, lulled out for awhile and then got bad and rough again. The first verse I have listed is a cry I myself have made so many times. Forsaken, oh year, I've asked God why so many times this past year it's not funny. I have told him over and over I didn't even know how to pray. Then there were the moments of clarity, in a pretty sunset, gorgeous clouds, praise time at church, knor in moments with my little loves that I knew he knew the plans he had for me. I am a whole hearted believer that the Bible is the word of God. However goodness in those tough times it's so hard to believe all those promises God makes. Please y'all tell me I'm not the only one who's ever struggled to believe God's good all the time. A new job, leaving a job of over a decade, then totalling my car littlerally all occured in the first 11 days of my 30th year. Decade #3, wasn't looking so great. It lulled out for awhile. Or at least big, huge things did. There were little odds and ends are year round. However I feel like that's true of life in general. Then June 1 came and that moment when I totalled my car, and stood there begging God it was all a nightmare, yea there I was again. Only in a big way the events of June 1, were way bigger then totalling a car. Crazy I know but it was. Durning that time, I got to see my support system step up and big time. I mean not everyone has a person who on your worst day, will let you come sit on there couch, even though I didn't know what to say because well I just didn't. But she left me I was horrible company but just her presence was comfort. The ones who checked in daily, the ones that were as mad as I was over the whole situation. Hurt, betrayed all emotions I experinced. Finally some light broke through, a new job. It wasn't perfect, it was night shift which has proven to be a whole new thing. A work enviorment like none I have ever experinced. It's been tough. In admist all of this health problems. Health problems that have had me missing more work then I normally do in a year, let alone a 2 month time period. It's hard not be mad, it's hard not to wonder what the heck God is doing. I wish I could tell you I have finally realized what God is doing, that I whole hearted believe his promise in Jeremiah 29:11. I wish I could I can't. Those moments of feeling forsaken of being left alone in the dark to figure this whole mess out, oh they still exsist. As recently as the middle of this week. However in all of this I have seen him move, I saw him spare me from a job that was not the right fit. I saw him give me a job that allows me to be off Sunday's still. I saw him bless me with the chance to teach Sunday school, which is every sort of dream come true. I saw him give me strength to walk away from a situation that was in no way serving me, and was not in any way serving him. He's showed up in small ways, and some big way's. However God knows me and he knows that I love the small moments as much or more then the big ones. Though there's a couple big one's I wouldn't mind seeing. However for now, I will stay stuck between those first 2 verses. And cling to the verse that is my life verse. I see him, I know this will all make sense because it always does. However I am still going doubt, and I'm still going question. I'm far from having everything together or understanding things. I'm somewhere in between.