Grace and Brokeness

I wrote something today, I'm not sure where I'm going with it yet. An e-book, an actual book? I don't know yet. But I would so love y'alls thoughts. Sometimes I think about her the 5 year old, that loved God so much she had to ask him into her heart in the shower, because it just couldn't wait. Sometimes I think about her, the 13 year old who put the purity ring on and committed to not having sex before marriage. I wish I could hug her. I wish I could tell her she will get through the storms that are coming. I wish I could tell her that the trials of faith, and broken promises are a part of her story. That life as she knew it falling apart, would eventually turn into a new normal that would be even better. However I can't hug her, or guide her, or assure her. That girl learned it all the hard way. That girl expericed brokeness and hurt she never thought would be fixed or healed. That girl, that girl hit rock bottom more times then she could count, I know this b...

If I could just come in I swear I'll leave. Won't take nothing but a memory From the house that built me. Today marks the second day I have spent helping my Mom sort through and clean my Grandma's house. The first day I got in trouble multiple times because you can't keep everything for sentimental purposes. However at this point I am not far away enough from my grief over loosing my Gram to be objective. I lived in that home for 7 years and even before that it was home. I grew up there. What I learned about cooking, keeping a house, being a good wife(or right now girlfriend) I learned in that home. I am who I am because of that home. That home in so many ways saved me, saved me from becoming what I witnessed at my parent's house. I strive to be a kind,caring person and if I am I learned it from that home. From my Gram and Pap. Part of my Pap, I see in me his need to sit in his rocking chair by the window with one of his magazines. There is nothing more that I love...

Easter is my favorite holiday, hands down. Most people love Christmas, I personally love Easter. The Easter story offers so much hope. And let's be honest right now, hope seems so important. However I woke up Easter morning, lost in many thoughts.It was the first Easter without my Grandma, who I am almost certain I never spent an Easter without. There was the excitment I had felt over getting to do the Easter season with my Sunday school kiddos, that wasn't going happen. There was the whole not being in church with all those dear people I love so much. Yea, I was getting good and ready to hop aboard the depressed express. Let's face it, that depressed express is so easy right now. Life as we know it has ended. Nothing is normal, whatever normal even is to begin with. I tried to reroute my mind, which would be a constant through out the day process. God had died on Friday and on Easter Sunday he rose again. He rose again to save us, to give us hope. Hope. Oh how we need hope...

It's been rough. For all of us, for this country. It's far from being over. The other evening as I struggled once again with a bout of severe anxiety. Which let's be real in saying that's been happening far more often then I like. I was left pondering something if only I had stronger faith. A better Christian would trust God and see him in all this. Instead of worrying and being anxious. Then there's the near daily headaches. I went farther with this thought maybe I'm not a strong enough Christian. In quoting the words of Manda Carpenter who is one of my most favorite people to follow on Instagram, "Impressing is exhausting." It's to hard right now in this time to pretend to be alright. To not be scared. Does it make me a bad Christian. I don't think so. Maybe what's coming on the other side of this is a strengthing of my faith. But for the time being I'm weary. I'm scared. I'm struggling to put a positive spin, on this hard sit...

Everyone knows kids, don't typically out live there grandparents. Short of a child dying early it doesn't happen. I was blessed, I was nearly 21 before I lost my first grandparent. For some I know they don't have that honor. I was blessed I know. However in living the events of the past week, I have thought to myself many times its not fair. In reality I know, loosing your 90 year old Grandma, when you are less then 6 months away from 32, is pretty fair. That lots of people would love to have had there Grandma that long. It changes nothing to me. My Grandma was a huge part of everything I am. I didn't have the best Mom in the world but I had the best Grandma. She taught me how to cook, how to love. She taught me the type of wife I want to be. I watched her over and over put the needs of her grandkids and kids and eventually great grandkids, ahead of any of her own needs. She could be laying in a nursing home bed or a hospital bed wondering how the rest of us were. My Gr...

Intresting title I know. Considering its been ages since I have read that story. Probably over the fall when preparing my Sunday school lesson. However I feel like Jonah stuck inside the belly of a big fish being tossed and turned around. Life has been nothing but unknown. Wedensday I worked most of the day with one of my favorites. Working with him is however like a counseling session. He posed questions like whats your goal. My goal, ha, thats laughable at best. I had my goal rudley taken from me back in June. I wanna write, I wanna do minstry but how exactly I don't know. Then he posed some other statemnets while disccusing our situations as temps. He was listing my strengths and my weaknesses. He doesn't hold anything back, hes fully honest and I'm glad. No matter how much what he's saying might sting. One of the things he said has stuck with me. You could maybe be friendlier. I wish I could argue that point with him, I can't. Between being hurt and my own shyne...